When an Adult Child Struggles to Launch

Dr. Maggie Wray explains why independence is about more than moving out — and how parents can help young adults build momentum without taking over

Dr. Maggie Wray is an ICF-certified Academic Life Coach and ADHD coach, with a Ph.D. in Neurobiology and Behavior from Cornell and a Bachelor’s in Astrophysics from Princeton. In 2012, she founded Creating Positive Futures to help students develop the executive functioning skills, mindset, and study skills they need to excel in school. In this discussion, she explains how to help a young adult regain motivation and how to raise children who are ready and eager to enter the adult world. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Next30ATL: "Failure to launch" has become the shorthand for the reality or fear that your child will be living in the basement well into early adulthood. How do you define "failure to launch"?

Dr. Wray: It’s not simply a matter of living at home. It is less about where someone lives and more about who is supplying the motivation and direction.

Some young adults live with their parents for specific, practical reasons. They may be between careers or not yet able to afford a home. That is a very different dynamic from what we would call failure to launch.

The issue is whether the young adult is independently pursuing goals and generating motivation and direction. In a failure-to-launch situation, it often feels as though the parents are supplying the motivation, drive and direction while the young adult is not producing those things independently.

A young adult may have moved out but still be extremely financially dependent on parents. The parents may remain involved in day-to-day matters: Did you make a doctor’s appointment? How is your job going? Did you contact your manager? They are still driving the young adult’s life in many ways. I would consider that a failure to launch even though the person has technically left home.

Next30ATL: This seems to affect mostly young men. Is that accurate, and if so, why?

Dr. Wray: It can be more common or more noticeable among young men, but young women experience it too. It is a misconception to think it affects only men.

Traditional academic structures tend to reward qualities such as conscientiousness, follow-through, people-pleasing, sitting still and focusing for long periods. On average, those things may come more easily to girls, and women now make up a larger share of people earning college degrees.

If success is defined as going to college, earning a degree and getting a job based on that degree, young women may be underrepresented in the failure-to-launch group because those steps fit their strengths somewhat better. But there is enormous variation within both sexes.

Next30ATL: Do differences between women and men in the pace of brain development play a role? And what effect did the COVID-19 pandemic have?

Dr. Wray: Both are real. Broadly speaking, boys can take a little longer to mature and develop qualities such as conscientiousness and follow-through, although we should never assume that every boy develops more slowly.

COVID had a significant impact. We can see it in academic achievement among students who were in school during the pandemic, but the effects go well beyond academics. Young people lost opportunities to connect with others and develop interpersonal skills. Their lives went on hold at a time when the world felt uncertain and unsafe. That stress and anxiety affected mental health, which in turn can make it harder to pursue goals or set ambitious goals in the first place.

Add heavy use of social media and devices replacing face-to-face interaction, and you have a perfect storm. Many young people also missed real-world experiences such as part-time jobs and volunteer work.

Next30ATL: Even applying for an entry-level job has changed. Parents tell teenagers to walk into a pizza shop or hardware store with a résumé, but employers often direct them to an app. Young people lose the formative experience of sitting down with a manager and selling themselves.

Dr. Wray: That’s true. But personal connections still matter, and young people can build connections through people they and their parents know. But if they walk into a business with a résumé, there is a good chance they will be told to apply online. Then their application becomes one among hundreds.

Next30ATL: Is this slowness to take on adult responsibilities a new phenomenon, or has it always existed?

Dr. Wray: It is not new, but the developmental timeline has been getting longer. Fewer teenagers get driver’s licenses at 16 or date in high school than in previous generations. People marry and have their first children later. Young adults are taking longer to become fully independent.

That shift began before COVID, although the pandemic accelerated some of its effects. College also plays a role. Attending college is now a common and often expected path, which lengthens the educational timeline. A few generations ago, fewer people went to college, so they entered jobs, married, had children and became financially independent sooner. A longer transition means more young adults depend on their parents for a longer period.

Next30ATL: What can parents do from childhood onward to raise a young adult who is ready to leave the nest when the time comes?

Dr. Wray: Parents today face intense pressure. They feel responsible for preventing failure, avoiding mistakes, and securing every possible opportunity for their children. That anxiety can get in the way. When parents are afraid their child will not be okay, they may jump in to protect, support or do more than the child needs.

Children need real-world experiences. Are they allowed to play outside without constant supervision? Can they start a lemonade stand, plan it, make the sign, knock on neighbors’ doors and see what happens? Or does the parent organize every step? Even when children have many extracurricular activities, every one may be structured and directed by adults.

Young people need opportunities to create their own goals, take manageable risks and fail when the consequences are small. Without those experiences, they may reach adulthood without knowing how to be self-directed, solve problems or take risks independently.

Next30ATL: One of the most valuable parts of my childhood was pickup baseball. A dozen kids would show up after school, with no parent nearby. We called balls and strikes, decided who was safe and settled our own arguments.

Dr. Wray: Exactly. With no adult to supervise or mediate, you learned conflict resolution, problem-solving, planning and organization. Much of that has disappeared, although parents can intentionally create room for it.

Screen limits matter. Many children say they would rather play outside with friends, but if no one else is outdoors, they return to a screen. Parents can coordinate with other families to create screen-free time when children can play and direct themselves. And when a child says, "I’m bored," a parent can respond, "I trust you to figure it out. You’re creative." It is not always the parent’s job to provide an activity.

College pressure contributes too. Families may pack schedules with travel sports, leadership activities, tutoring and camps to make a student attractive to colleges. If young people have no time for self-directed activities, they miss critical life skills.

Next30ATL: That college pressure is definitely intense. When I applied to college, the University of Maryland had a much higher acceptance rate. I was a smart but mediocre student, got in, had a great experience and moved forward. Today, it seems like getting into even a state school like Georgia, Auburn or Alabama can feel like applying to a military academy.

Dr. Wray: It has become an arms race. Transferring can sometimes be easier than entering as a first-year student, so starting elsewhere and transferring may be an option. But the competition places enormous pressure on young people.

Next30ATL: What should a parent do when an adult son or daughter is stuck in a spiral — spending most of the day engaged in non-constructive activities and showing little forward momentum?

Dr. Wray: There is no one-size-fits-all answer. First, identify what is keeping this particular young adult stuck. It may be a mental-health challenge such as anxiety, depression or ADHD. Is something making it especially hard to leave the house, organize tasks or live independently? If so, getting appropriate support is important.

The young adult may also be stuck on career questions: How do I get a job? What do I want to do? Schools devote a great deal of time to math, history and science, but much less to helping students understand their strengths, values and interests. Parents can help young adults reflect on those things and gain experiences, but they should avoid making the process perfectionistic.

A young adult does not have to decide what to do for the rest of life. The question can simply be: What do you want to do next? Even a job they dislike provides useful information. I compare it to GPS. If the car is sitting still in a parking lot, the system may not know which direction it faces. Once the car moves, it can orient itself and correct the route. Life is similar. You have to move so the world can give you feedback: I like this. I dislike this. This drives me crazy. This energizes me. Doing almost anything constructive creates information and momentum.

Parents should also examine the pattern at home. A young adult may become comfortable living without rent, responsibilities or expectations. Waiting indefinitely for self-generated motivation may not work. The family may need to change the conditions.

Next30ATL: How can parents change those conditions without turning the conversation into an angry ultimatum?

Dr. Wray: It helps to establish expectations early — ideally before a young adult moves home after college. Discuss the timeline, rent, household responsibilities, work expectations and the conditions for remaining at home. An open-ended arrangement with no expectations is harder to reset later.

Still, it is never too late. A parent can say: "You’re not in trouble, and I’m not angry. I realize I haven’t created conditions that support your moving into the next stage of life. I don’t want to see you stuck here at 35. That would not be good for you or for us. I want us to make a plan."

Then determine whether the young adult wants independence but struggles with follow-through, or is content with the status quo. Those are different situations. If the young adult is content but the parent is not, the parent must state that clearly and decide what boundaries to set.

The timeline should be realistic. "Get a job tomorrow" is not a plan. Instead, agree on a specific step by a specific date, and be clear about what follows if it doesn't happen. Some parents may require the young adult to move out. Others may make the job search a shared, structured project. Families differ in what they are willing and able to do. The essential point is to replace vague frustration with clear expectations, dates and consequences.

Next30ATL: My parents began communicating expectations early. When I was about 15, they told me that after high school I could attend college, which they would pay for up to eight semesters; join the military; or get a job and share an apartment with friends. But staying home was not an option. That message was clear long before graduation. Is that healthy?

Dr. Wray: Clear expectations are very helpful, although not every family needs to choose the same rules. Some parents are happy to have a graduate live at home for six months or a year. The important thing is to explain what you expect, what options are available and what you are willing to pay for.

Many students apply to colleges without knowing their family’s budget, what a school costs or what their parents will contribute. Those conversations should happen early. My own mother told me that she would cover the equivalent of in-state tuition. If I wanted to attend an out-of-state school, I needed enough scholarship aid to cover the difference or I would be responsible for it. I knew that well in advance, so I could make informed choices.

Families can structure support in many ways. A parent might pay for undergraduate school or graduate school, but not both. Another might pay for any college but expect the graduate to be financially independent afterward. Another might allow an adult child to return home only while employed. There is no single formula, but clarity is essential.

Next30ATL: Some parents seem to struggle to separate their identities from their children. They skip time alone as a couple to be with the kids as they grow up, and say they would love for their children to return home after college. Can that become unhealthy?

Dr. Wray: It depends on why. A young adult may return home because it is financially sensible, save money, remain independent, have a good job and genuinely enjoy a close family relationship. That can be entirely healthy.

It is different when a parent’s sense of self depends on how well the child is doing, when the parent wants to be the child’s friend rather than the parent, or when the parent cannot tolerate the child being angry.

I see parents hesitate to set limits on phones or video games because they do not want their children to be upset with them. But parenting sometimes requires tolerating "I hate you" or "You’re the worst parent ever" after setting a reasonable boundary.

Parenting styles can be understood as authoritative, authoritarian or permissive. Permissive parenting offers support but few rules or limits. Authoritarian parenting imposes limits without enough warmth or regard for the child’s feelings.

The healthier middle is authoritative: warmth, support and confidence in the child alongside clear limits and expectations. The message is: "I believe you can do this. I don’t think you need me at every step. I will live my life, and I expect you to build yours." That supports healthy individuation.

Next30ATL: Families can look very different. Multigenerational households can work beautifully. So the real question is not whether adult children live near or with their parents, but whether the arrangement is healthy.

Dr. Wray: Exactly. It is fine for adult children to live close to their parents because they love one another and enjoy spending time together. The concern is whether the young adult cannot move away because of dependence on the parent, or the parent cannot allow separation because of dependence on the child.

A healthy multigenerational household is mutually agreeable. Everyone is functioning, everyone’s needs are being met, and each person could function independently but chooses the benefits of being together.

That is very different from an adult child moving home because they cannot function independently while the parent does not want the arrangement but does not know how to change it. The latter is the pattern we are trying to address.

Next30ATL: On a related topic, we are currently in a very tough job market for new college graduates. What advice do you have for parents of grads who might have given up their job searches in despair?

Dr. Wray: I would not treat a discouraged young adult exactly the same way as one who is simply unwilling to take responsibility. A college graduate who has made a sincere effort and become discouraged needs empathy and help adjusting their strategy. At the same time, discouragement shouldn’t mean that all expectations disappear.

I would encourage parents to agree on a reasonable, time-limited plan that keeps the young adult moving forward. That might include networking, informational interviews, expanding the kinds of positions or industries they’re considering, building relevant skills and continuing to apply for positions in their field.

After a reasonable period, it is often healthy to expect the young adult to take a “bridge job,” even if it isn’t part of their intended career path. That job isn’t an admission of failure or a decision to give up on their career. It can provide structure, income, confidence, references and real-world experience while they continue pursuing longer-term opportunities. It is much easier to find your direction when you are already in motion.

If the young adult is living at home and earning money, some contribution to the household may also be appropriate. Depending on the family’s circumstances, that could mean paying a modest amount toward expenses, taking responsibility for certain household needs, or both. The purpose shouldn’t be to punish them for not finding the “right” job quickly. It should be to reinforce that adulthood includes participating, contributing and continuing to move forward.

The boundaries themselves can therefore be similar — clear expectations, a timeline and increasing responsibility — but the tone matters. Parents can communicate, “We understand that this has been discouraging, and we believe you’re capable of taking the next step,” rather than approaching the situation from frustration or assuming laziness.

I would also encourage parents to pay attention to whether ordinary discouragement has developed into significant depression, anxiety, substance use, severe withdrawal or difficulty functioning. In that case, the plan may need to include additional mental-health or executive-function support.